Get informed : Friends
forum about friendship
Ask your question about friendship to others or share your experience by answering to their questions in the forum about friendship.
questions about friendship
Problems with friends
Feeling left out
Feeling left out is something a lot of people go through, and it's not easy to deal with!
Talk about it! It might be a good idea to ask your friends about what's going on and tell them how you feel. Once you determine whether your impressions were true, you won't have to rely on vague feelings.
Widen your circle of friends. Friendship is a connection that can change or break over time. Rejection hurts most when you’ve invested everything in only one friendship. Have you taken the time to know other interesting people?
Bounce back! If you feel like it’s impossible to talk to your friends about what’s happening, take a step back and let the dust settle, and remember that you were able to make friends in the past, so there's no reason you can't make new ones now.
Talk about it! It might be a good idea to ask your friends about what's going on and tell them how you feel. Once you determine whether your impressions were true, you won't have to rely on vague feelings.
Widen your circle of friends. Friendship is a connection that can change or break over time. Rejection hurts most when you’ve invested everything in only one friendship. Have you taken the time to know other interesting people?
Bounce back! If you feel like it’s impossible to talk to your friends about what’s happening, take a step back and let the dust settle, and remember that you were able to make friends in the past, so there's no reason you can't make new ones now.
Jealousy
Some situations can make you feel jealous even when your friendship is strong. For instance, maybe a friend is spending a lot of time with other friends or with their girlfriend or boyfriend. Maybe they're even going out with your ex!
Think about why you're feeling jealous. Why does the fact that your friend has other interests or friends bother you so much? How does that take anything away from you?
Be frank with your friend and tell them what you're going through and what's bothering you. This will help resolve the crisis. Once your friend knows what you're going through, they may be able to reassure you or explain themself.
Think about the consequences your jealousy could have. The problem with jealousy is that it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy: it causes the very thing you're afraid of to occur! For example, your friend might find it so hard to be around a jealous friend that they don't want to see you as much.
Think about why you're feeling jealous. Why does the fact that your friend has other interests or friends bother you so much? How does that take anything away from you?
Be frank with your friend and tell them what you're going through and what's bothering you. This will help resolve the crisis. Once your friend knows what you're going through, they may be able to reassure you or explain themself.
Think about the consequences your jealousy could have. The problem with jealousy is that it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy: it causes the very thing you're afraid of to occur! For example, your friend might find it so hard to be around a jealous friend that they don't want to see you as much.
Losing a friend
It’s never easy to lose a friend, whether it's because of a fight or because you've drifted in separate directions. Losing a friend is very much like losing a girlfriend or boyfriend — you go through pretty much the same emotions, and deal with the same sadness.
Losing a friend means going through lots of feelings and disturbances:
Denial: “It’s impossible!” You deny or do not understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. You're in a state of shock. Your heart and your head are all mixed up.
Anger: “I’m so mad at her!” Once the shock has passed, you may feel lots of anger, frustration, outrage, and confusion. You may even see the loss of the friendship as a betrayal or abandonment. Anger may help you let go — but be careful how you express it!
Guilt and bargaining: “I’ll change everything you want me to!” You may be tempted to do anything to not lose your friend, but in the long run this may be a bad idea. You may end up regretting many things, believing everything was your fault, and idealizing the other person. Keeping your hopes up can really hurt.
Sadness: “It's really over, and I feel so low!” Sadness is often part of the process of losing a friend. You've got a right to cry. You have to go through these feelings of loss to realize that it is really over. Give yourself a break and do some things you like.
Acceptance: “I still think about it sometimes, but I’m moving on!” We all learn to live with the end of a friendship, even when it’s difficult. You'll begin to have more confidence in yourself and to feel better, and the future won’t seem as gloomy. With time, you'll have new dreams and new friends…
How you can help yourself get through the pain of losing a friend:
Losing a friend means going through lots of feelings and disturbances:
- Pain
- Feelings of abandonment, fear, and emptiness
- Loss of concentration, hope, motivation and energy
- Changes in appetite and sleep
- Fatigue
- what you liked about them (for example, “we got along so well…”)
- your projects and dreams (for example, “we were going to take a swimming class together”)
- your group of friends (for example, “I’m not going to be able to hang out with their friends anymore")
- certain habits (for example, “I used to call him every night!”)
- your ideals (for example, “I thought we were going to be like sisters, together for our whole lives”)
Denial: “It’s impossible!” You deny or do not understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. You're in a state of shock. Your heart and your head are all mixed up.
Anger: “I’m so mad at her!” Once the shock has passed, you may feel lots of anger, frustration, outrage, and confusion. You may even see the loss of the friendship as a betrayal or abandonment. Anger may help you let go — but be careful how you express it!
Guilt and bargaining: “I’ll change everything you want me to!” You may be tempted to do anything to not lose your friend, but in the long run this may be a bad idea. You may end up regretting many things, believing everything was your fault, and idealizing the other person. Keeping your hopes up can really hurt.
Sadness: “It's really over, and I feel so low!” Sadness is often part of the process of losing a friend. You've got a right to cry. You have to go through these feelings of loss to realize that it is really over. Give yourself a break and do some things you like.
Acceptance: “I still think about it sometimes, but I’m moving on!” We all learn to live with the end of a friendship, even when it’s difficult. You'll begin to have more confidence in yourself and to feel better, and the future won’t seem as gloomy. With time, you'll have new dreams and new friends…
How you can help yourself get through the pain of losing a friend:
- Make sure you have people around you who can give you support (friends or family, or call Tel-jeunes!).
- Remember: take your time. Time heals all wounds.
- Continue your regular activities, especially the ones that make you happiest.
Disagreeing with friends
You may be very good friends with someone but disagree with some of their choices. What should you do in these situations?
Live and let live. Can you accept the fact that a friend may not share all your tastes or may not act as you would? Do you have a problem with your friends making their own choices? You know, not being identical to your friends isn't necessarily a problem. Everyone is unique and it's quite possible to get along with and like people who are very different from you!
Talk about what's bothering you. If one of your friend’s choices or habits bothers you too much, why not take the time to talk about it with them? Maybe there’s something that can be done so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable or so your friend’s choice doesn’t affect you or your friendship so strongly.
Accept your differences. You don't have to share all your friends' tastes. You can make your own choices and still have a good friendship! In fact, in some cases you might even find your differences are the thing you like the most about your friendship, because they're so enriching!
Live and let live. Can you accept the fact that a friend may not share all your tastes or may not act as you would? Do you have a problem with your friends making their own choices? You know, not being identical to your friends isn't necessarily a problem. Everyone is unique and it's quite possible to get along with and like people who are very different from you!
Talk about what's bothering you. If one of your friend’s choices or habits bothers you too much, why not take the time to talk about it with them? Maybe there’s something that can be done so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable or so your friend’s choice doesn’t affect you or your friendship so strongly.
Accept your differences. You don't have to share all your friends' tastes. You can make your own choices and still have a good friendship! In fact, in some cases you might even find your differences are the thing you like the most about your friendship, because they're so enriching!
Learn how to resolve conflicts between friends
A conflict between friends
It’s completely normal for friendships to be tense at times, and for disagreements or conflicts to arise. Two people don’t necessarily share the same tastes, ideas, or ways of seeing or doing things. If you and your friend disagree, the two of you might not listen to each other or understand each other. That's when mere disagreement degenerates into conflict.
Conflict resolution strategies
There’s no magic recipe for resolving conflicts, but it is possible to learn how to cope with them. Learning how to cope with conflicts will help you keep your relationships with others solid. All too often, people wait for someone else to take the first step in resolving a problem.
If you disagree with someone, don't hesitate to go talk to them. Maybe it's all just a misunderstanding. The important thing is to choose the right moment. In addition, you can use a problem resolution method like the one described below.
Be committed. It’s important to show that you’re open, interested in the other person’s position, and committed to resolving the problem together. It’s not a competition, with a winner and loser; it’s a process you undertake together.
Don't accuse! Remember to use the "I" form throughout the discussion, to avoid making the other person feel accused or judged. Talking about your own perspective keeps the other person from feeling defensive, which makes it easier for them to treat you with respect, too. After all, there’s a world of difference between “You’re a liar” and “I have trouble believing that."!
Describe the problem. Start by identifying the situation that you’re having a problem with and what you’d like to change (for example, “I prefer to be spoken to politely, not in this tone...”).
Name your feelings. Tell the other person how the conflict makes you feel (for example, “…it makes me very angry.”).
Identify possible solutions. Together with the other person, identify possible solutions. You can even write them down on a piece of paper. At this stage, any idea is a start, so write them all down!
Assess the solutions. Together with the other person, assess all the solutions. Are any of the solutions realistic? Do any of them satisfy both of you? Will any of them resolve the problem effectively?
Come to an agreement. Together, choose the solutions you prefer and come to an agreement you both agree to respect.
Reassess. Some time later, check if the agreement has been respected and if the problem has been solved. Take the time to talk to your friend and review your experience. If the solution you chose hasn't worked, you can try another.
A few things to keep in mind
Respect the other person's opinions. The important thing isn’t to have everyone have the same ideas and tastes, but rather to make sure everyone feels respected and has the opportunity to express themself.
Express your feelings when you are uncomfortable during the discussion.
Question your attitudes and behaviour. This helps avoid making everything the other person's fault! And admitting our own faults often makes others more willing to listen.
If the conflict turns violent or seems intimidating (you’re being harassed, you're afraid, etc.) don't hesitate to ask for help putting this situation to an end. Your teachers or parents, or Tel-jeunes, can help (read more here about bullying).
It’s completely normal for friendships to be tense at times, and for disagreements or conflicts to arise. Two people don’t necessarily share the same tastes, ideas, or ways of seeing or doing things. If you and your friend disagree, the two of you might not listen to each other or understand each other. That's when mere disagreement degenerates into conflict.
Conflict resolution strategies
There’s no magic recipe for resolving conflicts, but it is possible to learn how to cope with them. Learning how to cope with conflicts will help you keep your relationships with others solid. All too often, people wait for someone else to take the first step in resolving a problem.
If you disagree with someone, don't hesitate to go talk to them. Maybe it's all just a misunderstanding. The important thing is to choose the right moment. In addition, you can use a problem resolution method like the one described below.
Be committed. It’s important to show that you’re open, interested in the other person’s position, and committed to resolving the problem together. It’s not a competition, with a winner and loser; it’s a process you undertake together.
Don't accuse! Remember to use the "I" form throughout the discussion, to avoid making the other person feel accused or judged. Talking about your own perspective keeps the other person from feeling defensive, which makes it easier for them to treat you with respect, too. After all, there’s a world of difference between “You’re a liar” and “I have trouble believing that."!
Describe the problem. Start by identifying the situation that you’re having a problem with and what you’d like to change (for example, “I prefer to be spoken to politely, not in this tone...”).
Name your feelings. Tell the other person how the conflict makes you feel (for example, “…it makes me very angry.”).
Identify possible solutions. Together with the other person, identify possible solutions. You can even write them down on a piece of paper. At this stage, any idea is a start, so write them all down!
Assess the solutions. Together with the other person, assess all the solutions. Are any of the solutions realistic? Do any of them satisfy both of you? Will any of them resolve the problem effectively?
Come to an agreement. Together, choose the solutions you prefer and come to an agreement you both agree to respect.
Reassess. Some time later, check if the agreement has been respected and if the problem has been solved. Take the time to talk to your friend and review your experience. If the solution you chose hasn't worked, you can try another.
A few things to keep in mind
Respect the other person's opinions. The important thing isn’t to have everyone have the same ideas and tastes, but rather to make sure everyone feels respected and has the opportunity to express themself.
Express your feelings when you are uncomfortable during the discussion.
Question your attitudes and behaviour. This helps avoid making everything the other person's fault! And admitting our own faults often makes others more willing to listen.
If the conflict turns violent or seems intimidating (you’re being harassed, you're afraid, etc.) don't hesitate to ask for help putting this situation to an end. Your teachers or parents, or Tel-jeunes, can help (read more here about bullying).