Get informed : Suicide

Into a thousand pieces. Losing someone to suicide is often a shock. Each and every person reacts in their own way. Some scream, some cry, some get angry. Others feel completely “paralyzed” or may think they’re unaffected, as if they were emotionally numb. If you’ve experienced such an event and you reacted differently than others around you, remember that everyone is different. You mourn in your own way.

Regrets. Someone’s suicide can put you through many emotions and make you ask many questions. You may say to yourself “This wouldn’t have happened if I had done this or that…” or “I should have understood the warning signs.” But no one has direct control over the actions and behaviours of others. The suicide process is very complex, and the clues someone may give you are often quite subtle. Suicide isn’t the result of a single event. You can’t be guilty of a person’s suicide.

Pain. Mourning is a normal process that accompanies all forms of loss (a death, the end of a relationship) or major changes that upset day-to-day life and require adaptation.

An indeterminate period. The length of the mourning period varies from person to person, and is not necessarily proportional to the love one felt for the person who is gone.

A winding path. The mourning period is made up of a number of stages. Each person goes through the stages differently. You may feel like you’re going through several stages at once, or going through the stages in a different order than other people who are also mourning. You might even feel like you’ve taken a step backwards, like you were doing better the day before. Being in mourning is like being on a roller coaster.

Everything in its own time. It might be that you put off your mourning and continue your daily activities as if nothing had happened, in order to remain balanced and continue functioning, or because others around you are not doing well. You have your own rhythm. Everyone mourns in their own way, with their own intensity.

Shock/denial. “That’s impossible! It must have been an accident!” When faced with the suicide of someone you know, you may be inclined to deny what has happened. You don’t want to believe it’s true. It’s normal to be in shock and to feel numb. Violent, troubling images may come to mind.

Lack of understanding/doubt. “Why?” You look for reasons, you try to understand why. You wonder whose fault it was and what could have been done to prevent it. You would have liked a letter, a final word — and if you did have one, it wasn’t enough. Questions remain unanswered.

Anger. “It’s not right to have put me through this, to have abandoned me!” In this stage, you experience a lot of anger, frustration, and injustice. You may view the loss as betrayal and abandonment, and be inclined to misdirect your anger towards your friends and family. Being angry is normal. However, verbal or physical aggression towards others is not an acceptable way of expressing your anger. Talk about it!

Guilt. “It’s my fault, I should have known!” You may regret certain things or believe that you did something wrong (for example, you may regret that you didn’t tell them you loved them more often, that you didn’t do the favour they asked you to, that you got into an argument with them). Guilt will not bring back the person who is gone. Remember that there is no single reason for the person’s suicide. You only have power over yourself. That’s why it’s important to take care of yourself.

Grief. “I don’t feel like doing anything…” You’re sad, you cry a lot. You feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. Again, this is normal. While it’s important to give yourself time to cry, you must also continue your daily routine, in order to take your mind off things. You mustn’t lose sight of all the people whom you love and who are still around you. Some people choose to consult a professional to help them get through this difficult stage.

Hope. “I still think about it but I’m getting better.” After going through the other stages, you learn to live with the loss of a loved one. You forgive them and resign yourself to not getting the answers to all of your questions. You may still miss them but you’re beginning to feel better and the future doesn’t seem as dark as it did. You haven’t forgotten about them, but you have new dreams and projects, and you’re able to have some fun without feeling guilty.

Give yourself time. The wound left by someone’s suicide can take time to heal. Have you given yourself the right to go at your own pace, to not feel okay right away? With the passage of time, over days, months or years, the pain will subside. You won’t forget the person who left, but remembering will hurt less.

Hang on to the good memories. When the person left, they didn’t take all your fond memories. They belong to you too.

Surround yourself with friends and people you love, who understand what you’re feeling. Above all, do not isolate yourself.

Express your sorrow. You may feel like channelling your energy, alone or with others who are affected by the suicide, into a project that symbolizes your grief, such as writing a song or a letter, working on a drawing, or putting together a photo montage. These ways of expressing your emotions can help you make sense of an event that seems senseless.

Take your mind off things. Even if you don’t always feel like it, continue seeing people and taking part in activities that you usually enjoy.

Talk to someone you trust — like a friend, a parent, an adult you like, a professional, or Tel-jeunes — about what you’re feeling.

Avoid blaming yourself. This won’t bring back the person who left, and will only make your grief or anger worse.

Take care of yourself. Other people around you may also have been affected by the suicide. You can offer each other mutual support, but it is not up to you to take them under your wing. You are in mourning yourself.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. In difficult times, some people may be inclined to use alcohol or drugs in the hope of dulling their pain. But these substances never help one get over grief. On the contrary, they can increase the pain you’re feeling, and cause other problems (read more here about addiction to alcohol and addiction to drugs).

“I’m in too much pain. I’ll go join them.” The suicide of
someone close to you can cause a lot of pain. You may even go so far as
to consider suicide yourself, because living without the person who
committed suicide seems impossible, or because you’re also having
problems.



“Maybe suicide is the answer.” The suicide of someone close to
you can bring back memories, make you feel powerless, and put you face
to face with your own problems. Your life is important and there are
always other ways of feeling better than just giving up. Remember that
the person who committed suicide did so because they couldn’t think of
any other ways to feel better and couldn’t get the right help. You can
find another way.



“Life doesn’t make sense anymore.” When someone commits suicide,
it can upset your view of life, and of death. Life can suddenly seem
absurd, pointless, and senseless. You may be bitter about it all. No
one has perfect answers to existential questions, but this shouldn’t
stop you from sharing your views and discussing the subject with
others. This can help you get back on your feet and discover other ways
of seeing things. You can also choose to make sense of life, to see it
as a fragile but precious gift that you should make the most of.



“I’ve got no reason to stick around now.” Loving and then losing
someone can make you feel profoundly empty. You may feel like you’ve
lost all reason to live. Yet, the good times, the fond memories, the
values a person has left you, and the things they brought to your life
survive after their death. Staying alive is a way of carrying their
torch, keeping their memory alive, talking about them, teaching others
what they taught you. By staying alive, you ensure that their life has
left a mark.



“I’m also going to end it all.” If you’ve got suicidal thoughts,
talk about them (read more here about how to get help if you’re
thinking of suicide). Don’t isolate yourself. Get support from people
you trust as soon as you feel the need. Professionals in your school,
at CLSCs, and in hospitals or private clinics are also there to help
you. You can also give us a call (1-800-263-2266)!