Young people’s questions

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[ Friendship ]

Confused friend - girl - 13 ans (16 October 2008)

Me and my BEST friend K have known each other since kindergarten and we just started high school. She's in the regular program and im in french immersion so we have different friends and we never see each other during school accept for lunch so usually we'll sit all together with our friends from our classes. I've actually been becoming friends with all of K's friends, but she hasn't been becoming friends with mine. Ever since i've been going to her friends houses and hanging out with them more she's started getting.... i guess jealous, she'll call me 5 times a day when im at friends houses and ask if she can get dragged along with us. Today i just found out that she thinks im stealing all her friends and she's saying that im "hiding" something from her. And when i confront her about its like she totally deny's it! Plus she's been lying to me about a lot of things and i don't no if i can trust her anymore? I want to fix things up but don't know how, cause i no im not doing wrong but she thinks i am. What should i do? Thanks :)

Tel-jeunes’ answer

Hello confused friend,

I can feel how this situation is bothering you. It’s a good idea to look for help.

You know, conflicts do happen between friends. Even between best friends. A relationship does evolve through time. It is normal that sometimes conflicts or misunderstandings happen. But it can still make us feel a lot of different emotion. Do you agree with me? If you look back; has your friendship with her has always been the same? Has it evolve through the years?

Changes such a new school and a new environment require some adaptation. It takes time to adjust to the new reality. In your message, you write that you have known each other since kindergarten. Is it the first time that both of you are separated in two different programs? Is it the first time that you are evolving with new groups of friends?

Change always involves emotions. We can feel a lot of different emotions when we are in a period of adaptation. Do you agree with me? Is it possible that both of you are adapting to this new environment? How do you feel exactly?

The thing is we don’t have control on how our friend feels thinks or reacts. It’s hard for you to understand your friend because you are not inside her head and you can’t guess why she feels this way… Do you see what I mean? To fix things; the people concerned must participate. It’s hard to fix things if we are the only one trying. Do you agree with me?

Still, we do have control on how we choose to react. For example, we can try to give our point of view to our friend (whether in person, by a letter, by phone, internet). We can ask questions and let them know how the situation is making us feel. Our friend might take it or not. But that’s not something we control. The only thing we control is our own behaviour. Do you see what I mean?
Have you ever had a conflict between you before? How did you both manage it? Can this situation inspire you?

I hope these tips will help you. Don’t hesitate to write back ok? Take care!

Tel-jeunes

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