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[ I'm not sure what my friend is thinking. ]

biscuit - girl - 15 ans (4 September 2008)

The starting of school I met a lot of ppl and I quickly became friends with them. During the first half of the year I hanged out with a certain group especially for lunch. We had a lot of fun but slowly around the mid year I somewhat didn't feel comfortable with them anymore. So I moved on to another group and it was all going well for a few months. in summer skool, it seems that the 2nd group doesn't really talk to me as much as b4 (but I ignored it for a while thinking i'm just too sensitive) then I couldn't take it, so I started to eat lunch with my 1st group of friends. And things started to get weird with my 2nd group we would see each other but not say hi. I'm guessin they felt that I ditched them and felt uncomfortable.after it was summer so nothing happened. Now school has started and I tried to talk to them again but 1-3 ppl in 2nd group, their responds seemed like they didn't want me to be there.. they didn't say anything bad in front of me but I just feel that they are hating me. And I want us to be friends again yet I don't know what they are really feeling or if they want to become close again. I thought of talking to them about it but I'm afraid that they would find me annoying and would get mad. But I'm really confused about, I didn't know what made them mad in the first place? Was it really those 2 weeks in summer school where I didn't hang out with them? Plus this year I don't have lunch or anything classes with them I'm scared we can't resolve it.

Tel-jeunes’ answer

Hello biscuit,

I understand you’re going through a conflict with your friends. Looking for help is a good idea!

It’s normal to feel confused when we don’t understand the reason for the conflict or what to do about it (since we actually don’t know what’s really going on). You mention something has been going on since last year and you didn’t feel comfortable with them anymore. What makes you want to be friends with them? Did something change? Have they changed their attitude toward you? Do you feel comfortable around them?

The most important thing is; we just can’t read someone’s mind. We don’t have that power; even though it would actually be very useful sometimes. Do you agree with me? Your group of friends are the only who could give you an explanation. When we don’t explain ourselves, we can only make interpretations. For example, your friends can interpret your attitude one way and it might not be the reality. Same thing for you; you are interpreting their attitude but you don’t really know. Do you see what I mean?

Talking is actually the only way to clear things out. We don’t have control on our friend’s behaviour but we do have power on ourselves. In one hand, we can make the decision to go talk to them. On the other hand, we can choose not to and wait to see what will happen. What do you want to do about it?

We still have to keep in mind that since we don’t have control on our friends; we don’t control their reaction. To solve a conflict; we all have to agree about it and put efforts into it. If one party doesn’t want to; it’s kind of hard to find a solution. Do you understand?

Also, it’s normal to have feelings when a conflict happens. And it’s important to take care of ourselves; to change our minds. Let say your friends don’t change their attitude toward you; what would you do? Would you still put your energy into something you don’t control? Would you try to spend more time with other friends or try to meet other people?

I understand it’s not easy to take one day at a time when we feel confused or sad. Time is also a friend but it eases our feelings. Also, we can meet different people and perhaps find new friends. People who we trust, share the same interests, etc. Do you agree with me?

I let you think about it. We are available for you 24/7 ok? Take care!


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