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[ In love or guilt tripping myself? ]

wrtctcs - boy - 17 ans (16 November 2017)

Hey tel-jeunes, i found your site and i finally mustered up the confidence to ask a question. So, my problem is that I'm confused whether I love this girl or not. I met her 4 years ago on the internet and she quickly developed a crush on me back then. We are are close, for example we are familiar with each other's daily life. Me and her were in 3 romantic relationships in the past.. we broke up for reasons (in order): 1. I didnt love her, i went out with her because i felt bad 2. I felt like the worst boyfriend because i dont do much for her. (although she disagrees) 3. Because of school pressure I feel bad that im such a bad person to her all the time... She's madly in love with me and says that she hasn't ever or ever will loved as much as me before. It's taking forever to figure out of i love her truly or not. I don't want to break her heart again. I DONT want to be the bad person here. I don't want to let her go if she's the one either. I feel like I'm fooling/pressuring myself to say "yes i love her" but a part of me disagrees. I honestly enjoy my time with her as a friend at least. I do see a future with us. tel-jeunes, how can i get past my constant thoughts of lying to myself that i love her and, clearly figure out if i truly love her?

Tel-jeunes’ answer

Hello wrtctcs,

Sometimes it's not easy to identify and understand the emotions we have.

You see, unfortunately, you're the only one who can know if you truly love this girl or not. You can tell her that you love her, you can act like you love her, but inside, you are the one who will know if it's sincere or not! And if it's not, not only is it not going to be pleasant for you or for her, but she may eventually realize that you're pretending. How do you feel about that?

Tell me, is it that you're not sure if you love her or not? Or is it that you know that you don't actually love her, but you feel bad about it? In the first case, it's possible to be honest with the person and say that you're not sure how you feel! You can decide to find out how you truly feel by asking to remain friends and continue to get to know her and spend time with her so your feelings become more clear. Or you can decide that you'd rather spend time apart so you can reflect on your feelings for her without contact with her to have a clear head and avoid feeling any pressure! Does that make sense to you?

To help figure things out, it can sometimes be helpful to think about (or write) everything that is important to us in a relation (our values) and everything we are looking for. Values are hard to ignore without creating distress within the person. So you can compare to see if your relationship with her matches what you wrote down in terms of values and things that are important to you! Would you like to try?

But, if you know that you don't love her but you feel bad about it, I can understand that it's a tough place to be in. What you have to ask yourself is, what am I willing to live with? What would be the pros and cons of continuing to pretend you love her if you don't?

I hope my answer has given you some food for thought! Feel free to call us anytime if you'd like to discuss further on the subject matter. (1800-263-2266)

Take care

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